i like, i hate...
i hate food.
all this grief has to go somewhere
and it's most obvious to turn it on myself.

i'm talking here about the grief
that was hiding under all the meds
as well as the current sadness.

i like it that when i lie on my side in my bed
my knees stacked one on the other
hurt

i like that i can feel myself sitting
on two hard knobs
are they assbones, or what?

i like the feeling of empty within.

i like ribs and jutting and bones like weapons.

last night i was fetishing vomiting.
i'd drank a lot of water so it would have been easy.
just reach back in there
and twiddle that uvula...
i didn't give in.

i hate the obvious fact
that there will always be something wrong with me.

i'm not as thin as it may sound that i am,
despite those new physical sensations...

what is one supposed to do with all of
...that...?

anger sadness frustration
all the feelings that feel like too much
that feel like they would swallow me whole
and keep me locked inside wailing?

i need to get up, be a mom, go to work,
cook dinner.

i've learned to swallow the lump in my throat
and usually i am able to talk around it.

and so, instead, poke at myself.
the most obvious victim.
and then i can be both predator and prey.
which will give me a whole new set of self-hatred issues
to manage.
or not.

Comments

[Paul]

the breath
think of the breath -
mindfullness.

[phil]

Work, Mother, Jewelry, self exploration will keep you plenty busy. Dwellon creating and improving not self analysis. Easier said than done I know.

[SoCal Sal]

Feeling the feeling is so very important. Then you can process.

{{hugs}} babe!

Have a great weekend … be safe!

[heather]

honey you're sticking that finger in the wrong hole...
no wonder you aren't happy yet...

; }